questions to life..

Filled with nostalgia..I dont like being pensive, not that I do not think at times, coz I do that most of the time, but this is one habit of mine I do not want to continue, not that I do not enjoy thinking about things...(some things I mean ;P). but what about the rest of the things? There is lot of stuff going around you in this damn big world, and whatever you do so as not to think about it, if you are a person who has the problem of weak, sorry, extremely weak concentration, atleast half of those innumerable things keep popping up in your mind from time to time .So, I face the same problem..I think a lot!
So continuing my habit, as I have not yet been able to do away with it since I have just figured it out and being a human..and to that a very normal one.. its obviously gonna take time!..
So.. filled with Nostalgia... there are so many questions in my mind right now..perhaps those who must have popped up in my mind enough number of times to ignore them..and so I am being perturbed by them. I need answers.. and I need answers now. Life answers all your queries.. but that takes time, and I have already said that I am a very normal human being, I am not that patient.

Q 1) Why do I need to do what I dont like to, but I want to?
I know that I want to do what I THINK is good.. for me, and for those close to me. But why does it has to be different from wht I would like to do.. what my heart wants.. what will pacify my soul.... just about everytime???

Q 2) If I do what I really really would like to do.. why do others get hurt??? If they care for me and love me, as they do, why are they not happy when I am??? Why is it that these two set of people (one me and one others) differ in what makes them happy , again ,almost everytime???

Q 3) If the above problem is taken care of, BY ME, and I succumb against my wishes, there suddenly erupts another subset of people within the " other people " set, who want something completely different from the two alternatives available up till now??
Now who do I keep happy and who not? Who will answer that?

Q 4) When I face a problem and need an answer to it.. an I go to somebody I feel should be right in suggesting me which option to chose, its me who is telling the whole story and the available options, the other person just keeps listening and says "You can chose any of the options from among these, you are not doing bad byt any of these"..!!! now thats what I already knew. didnt I??? The problem here is that, eveyr human being is wired differently, and so nobody can truly truly understand what you are facing, and how you can get out of it, and what will you feel exactly in every situation\, unless you tell them very clearly and explicitly and unless they understand it with the same exactness!!!!
Why cant people's wiring change for sometime, like we can switch circuits, and become like mine, when I need to :(((

Q 5) Why do I need to be away from people I love for achieving success in life?? :((
Okay, I know you need to work hard and taste defeat.. and cry and bla bla to achieve success. but that can be done when you have yourself surrounded by loving and caring people in a better manner, right? When you already have to work hard, you have to be all alone tooo???
Now whats the logic!! So much load, and life gives you more!

Q 6) When you are in a situation like above, why is it at exactly that time in your life that you get to meet and know people who are very comfortable in their lives, dnt have much work, tension ,.. all time to kill.. and still are at par with you(when you have reached here after so much pains! ) I mean, why only at this time in life han???

Q 7)....

Okay enough questions to be answered! I know life ain't easy and you need to sail through it.. alone.. but why!!!
IS it necessary to put yourself to testing to some weird codes unheard, unread of.. again and again and again.. and endless no. of times...?

I am not patient enough to wait for my whole lifetime and think about all this when I am 80 that yes, I got all the answers.. I know it all now.... No!! I want to know it all now.. is that too much to demand for??
If it is.. somebody teach me how not to think!!!

Oh!! Its divine..
Blowing.. All White..
With the wind.. O So Light!
Pristine.. like a pearl..
Her Beauty, so Pure.
The Mystic of sky,
wrapped around her soul!
Ah! so Beautiful.. again so Pure!
She walks through the wet swath..
slow.. as a dove
careful and wary,
of my eyes on her..
some strands of hair
dancing on her cheeks..
With the wind blowing light..

humming to the tune of her lovely sight.

Oh! She is sensational..
like that one drop of life..
which just descended from heaven,
to rest on her palm,
and find its salvation.
Her smile comes as a wave to me..
splashing her charm,
on this canvas yet clean.
Her Blues and Greys matching the clouds above..

She waits for some more of those drops,
to wet her tips, with joys undefined.
and Oh!
I wait for her.. to retrace her steps,

and when she comes back to me..
This Rain Shall Soak Us

An year and five days back...



She looks around herself..emptiness.. the belongingness she always feels when she is here feels subsiding. This is the place where she has spent twenty one years of her life.. everything is hers.. this is her world, her people.. her family..her home..where she belongs to.. and now what lies around her are pieces of luggage, about to be taken out and boarded with her on the train to a new place... she is filled with nostalgia.. the memories of her childhood, how she had fought with mumma over small things, how papa taught her math, how di and bhai chatted along for hours and hours... she feels something choking in her in her throat, now they all stand in front of her.. ready to see her off for her her new life..to see her off for the path to her goals, her dreams, all are pretending to be happy, so it seems to her, and she wants to cry out that she is gonna miss them badly, to tell them that she loves them a lot.. but she smiles.. weakly.. hugs everybody.. and bids them goodbye..

She is on board the train..she sees a station.. she can see a platform, crowded wit people.. lots of ppl.. and different ppl.. oh they appear so much together!! one platform! but eveybody has a different purpose.. they move different ways.. their beliefs are different.. they have nothing in common.. except for the fact that due to an act of sheer serendipity, they are all here on this platform witnessing the same surrounding.. but perceiving it according to themselves..nobody belongs to this platform..she is still pensive when the train moves on...

She is here in this new world..she knows nobody. nobody know her..she is all on her own trying to become a part of this place.. and so she spends the next one year.. facing the truths of life at every moment. learning to live..as if this is her new incarnation, she knows now that its not her place.. the sense of belongingness that was there can no longer be found elsewhere... and not just for her.. for nobody.. because this place is not a destination.. its like that one platform.....

One year later..

Today she is in HER world.. her own world.. her dear home.. again looking around her at her luggage.. something sinking inside..
She boards the train to the OTHER world.. wanting with each passing moment for the time to stop.... if only she could be here for some more time.. if only she would not have to go back.. if only she could stay back where she belongs to....

Something within her cries out loud... tears roll down her eyes, and the train starts moving..

confessions..

I wish to confess that...
I love you a lot
with all my heart and soul,
like I have never done before,
and in no way can do again..
for anyone else, but for you my love.

I wish to confess..
that this love will not be the same
..In the years to come..
as it ought to be more,
With each breath I take,
And so will it go on..
and on..

I wish to confess...
that each time my heart beats,
I miss you..
And want you to be with me..nearby..
just so close..
that I could see you through the day..
living your life..which yet couldn’t be mine.
if not closer..

I wish to confess..
that I want to feel you
Standing by me, whenever I need you
But I also want to feel you.
Missing me the way I do..
Remembering me whenever you feel lonely,
Looking out for my hand, when you want to rise again,
Wanting to hear me,
..to look at me..
..to find me beside you...
.. And to share your life with me..

And the day I feel it,
I wish to confess that

Then,

you shall be all mine..